She, was born of earth, fire and water .....


What a weird 24 hours.

A lot of very strange things are happening to me.
They're not things I can talk about here, they are personal, family, in deep kind of things.
Transition, transformation ... something ... elemental. And life changing.

There is a theme, and that theme is to do with being ... duped. Taking the line of least resistance, and as a result, living continually in other people's realities. Accepting their version of events, and their backdrop, their score, as the inevitable starting point for my movie. Because to argue, to stand up and change the set, the chords or the storyboard is ... well ... hassle. And may bring conflict.

I've hidden deep, deep hurt, in the ease of accepting a version of events where there was someone on my side, even though there was someone not at all on my side. And now, as clear as day, I can see, that there never was anyone on my side at all! They were both pitched against me. Just only one of them had the dubious courage to let it show. Though not to explain it.

Events are re written, or I change - on the way between Guides and Pony Club, school and church, field and home, I change, to fit the requirements of other people's soap operas, other peoples lives, because it's easier. And I happily delude myself that it's all OK, that the synopsis they're offering me will fit the bill, I can work with that.

Well I can't. And I won't.

So I'm going back, where my green grass roots are growing. And also forward. Into the unknown.Cool.

Thanks, Loretta.


Jo C said...

Obviously I don't understand but somewhere within me there is a flicker of recognition. Never really had anyone from my family on my side. Yes, they pretend, but I'm the outsider, the black sheep,... never good enough, always in the wrong. It's rubbish, and I don't always deal with it gracefully, but I know that God is on my side. And he's on yours. Bless you.

Ellen said...

I've been in places before where I've altered myself to fit other people's expectations or realities (one might say "falsities"), and it stinks. Sometimes I still do it because I hate confrontation. It's then I realize that I'm not being a peacemaker; I'm being a peacekeeper, and those are two very different things.

My prayers are with you; good thoughts and blessings are winging their way across the Atlantic.


Cat said...

Jo, I have walked in your can heal sometimes, though it doesn't always, and never exactly how we hoped or thought. Preconceptions, not gravity or spider silk, are the strongest substance on the planet.

Jackie dear, the eyes of your heart are seeing true. We all do it. Women especially, I think. Either we're taught that this is what we should do, or something in us says it -- I don't know.

Writing one's own tune is indeed elemental. And be assured, there are some who love to hear your song. It comes through in your words here, whether it's heard amid the bustle or not. And it's enchanting.

Dorothy said...

Not sure I understand what you are saying, but I am praying for you.

Powered by Blogger.