If I have a besetting sin, it is anger. I am too often angry. Today, my anger and hurt is eating at my throat, I am fighting back tears. It is all pointless.
I have too much to do, and my day is garroted twice by an hour long drive. The gap in the middle doesn't WORK.
Neil continuously and pointlessly asks 'but what DID you do' and I DON'T KNOW.
I picked up barrow after barrow of pony pooh from the field, I made phone calls, I lost pieces of paper in the huge mess, I unearthed some soap making equipment in the garage and found it all mouldy and useless and threw it away, I spared a precious half hour to plant up a little flower border by my greenhouse, I planted some chillies in pots.
The puppy, who is no nearer coming when called, responding to his name, or stopping chewing everything I own, destroyed the flower bed, upended the chillies and ate the pots.
I have four ponies for two children and I can't afford to send back the two I can't afford to keep. One can't lead one out and the other can't lead one in so a good half my life seems to be spent plowing backward and forward across a field with a bad tempered pony. I have sore feet. All the time. They hurt when I walk. Every time I walk.
I wash up and wash up and wash up. All my life seems to be spent washing up. I hate it, so I do it badly and slowly.
I am angry at the grass, because it is long, and I hate untidy gardens and all I want to do is cut it. But Neil spent the only money I have actually had in the last decade, from my veg box grant, on a lawnmower I CAN'T START. So I have to ask. And Neil is working 25 hour days. So I can ask all I like.
I have pictures that need putting up. But our walls are rendered in concrete and you physically cannot knock in a picture hook. You need to drill and raw plug. And we don't have a drill I'm allowed to use.
I am utterly, totally powerless over my circumstances. Now the more sanctified among you may consider this a good thing, and yes, I know, we are all powerless and in our weakness is His strength , but I challenge you to feel that way when your family is drowning, you are hemorrhaging money on bunches of dumb stuff you simply cannot afford, your husband is working stupid hours and earning a pittance, and you, you can do precisely NOTHING.
And just for good measure, the sorry excuse for a vegetable garden I have managed to get around to planting has cows lining up to invade it again, and frankly it won't take it. If they get in tonight, it's over for this year, and my one pathetic, useless contribution to the budget is down the pan.

I don't know why I get so angry, I think it's frustration, at all the bright hope and big ideas, slowly mouldering away as I get old and grumpy and one by one they just get left to wither. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have two beautiful, healthy children, I live in a place everyone else thinks is amazing and I think is tolerable. I have air and space, and at the moment, sunshine. But I am powerless. Utterly, utterly powerless. And I can't bear it.

And the two things I hate most in life are driving and washing up.

I'm sure that wasn't very edifying. But it had to be said. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.


Rachel said...

Hi Jackie,
I can't offer you any advice, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I kinda know how you're feeling. A friend here in NZ who is going through a really hard time (a different hard time to what you are experiencing), and I keep reminding each other of two things.
1. Do not be weary in well doing, and 2. Comfort each other by reminding us that the Lord is coming back to get us soon. He promised!
Wish I could help cheer you up. You wanna come over for coffee?

Jo said...

So. You know I feel your powerless pain. I too have been, shall we say, venting?
It helped me. It shifted something. Not sure what. but I think sometimes we just need to say it or write it down or something and not be ashamed of it.
I have no advice. Just understanding.

Jackie said...

Rachel, ooh that would be nice. Might take a wee while though ... lol

Jo - yeh, you're right, it does need to be done sometimes. Isn't the greatest feeling in the world is it? But hey, you're back looking great and vlogging in your new office. How cool!

Deedee said...

Oh Jackie! ((((((HUGS))))))I'm sorry my arms don't reach that long but please have this cyber hug instead, ok?

I don't have anything I can say to 'fix' what you are going through, but I can give you some good news from us that might make a smile just flicker across your face for a moment and add a little ray of light in your day.

We have Butterfly!! At the moment she is sleeping over every weekend and coming for one teatime visit each midweek!! At the end of the school year (at the latest) she will be moving in for good!!!! Thanks for the prayers these two loooooong years! Praying for you my dear. - Deedee

Cat said...

Oh, my dear. I know exactly what you mean. I'm in the same place lately. Dave's been gone for pretty well a month with extra work, home only to eat and sleep. It feels like the world is falling apart.

Our garden's drowned, it rains every day, it seems like the house is falling apart much, much faster than we can fix it, and I've about had it. Neither house nor yard feels anything like habitable right now. If it's not the overgrown grass and weeds, it's the mosquitoes. And likewise on the equipment that doesn't work and hasn't for the last year or more.

I've about had it with that.

Cup of tea and a biscuit of commiseration all round.

Esther said...

Thank you for your honesty... different circumstances here, but similar feelings and many difficult challenges/upheavals... just have to keep pressing on, in Him. Ex

PlainJane said...

(((Hugs))) Jackie! I'm so sorry you are having a tough time of it, but you still make me laugh with your last comments. It's good to vent every now & then.

Whenever I feel down, I always think of families where perhaps a child is in the hospital, dying of cancer, and I am flooded with thankfulness for what I do have. Someone else always has it tougher than I do for sure.

Rachel said...

Hi Jackie,
Was just thinking of you tonight and thought I'd pop over to say hi. Hope things are going well.... and better.
Love from me.

Deanna said...

Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of there. We all have those days (months) and that's just the truth of it. Those who are Little Mary Sunshine are simply covering their issues and honesty, that's just not healthy :) know me, you've walked my grumbling days (ok, yeah, months...)and truth be told sister, I'm just far too healthy sometimes!

Hang in there. Like you said, you have amazing blessings, and bottom line is THAT is all that matters in the end -- those blessings and the fact that you recognize from WHOM they came :)

I have the same tumbling thoughts in my head, but gee, it always seems so much more 'insightful- reading it thru another. Must be because it seems new, deep...I live everyday with my thoughts and they just aren't new and deep anymore :)


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